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my husband resents me for not working

"How painful is it to have an anniversary and your partner 'forgets' it or, even worse, consciously knows it's your anniversary, and purposely will not celebrate it?" "Denying intimacy as a result of resentment only tends to widen the gap between each of you." He only admitted it because I caught him. It's been almost ten years since I've worked and I feel incompetent, unskilled, awkward, and lame. Look, if you are interested in going back to work why not make it into baby steps, find out what you need to upgrade, look at doing some volunteer work, can you afford to go back to school? You may feel that you deserve a reward of sorts after 10 years of raising kids and while that is definitely an achievement, most people don't get to retire from working after 10 years. Even when I was working 60 hours a week as a preschool teacher, my husband was treating me like this. My husband and I have been married for 6+ years. 2020 Bustle Digital Group. Plus when we have financial struggles I feel very guilty. I regret being a stay-at-home mom for many reasons and this is one of them. Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. We fight horribly now, our sex life has suffered, and we obviously aren't as close as we used to be. You Don't Feel Heard. He acted like I was the most deplorable person imaginable for spying on him, even though all the signs of cheating were there. It is okay to be terrified. “My husband has been unable to be a supportive spouse for me since the very beginning of this journey. I think it’s ridiculous that so many people just say walk away. Husband resents me for not working? For months afterwards I could not concentraite at work. I also feel that my son resents me because of things he has went through in his childhood. I don't even know if he loves me anymore. I'll cry and then we'll make up and he'll swear up and down that he really doesn't want me to go to work, but that he just doesn't feel appreciated considering he's the main provider. "The deeper the resentment and the longer you have experienced it, the worse it can become," he says. He’s not loving and attentive to me anymore, which really saddens me. One of our kids was recently diagnosed with an expensive medical condition, and my job won’t cover all our needs. It's one thing to have day-to-day squabbles that naturally crop up in relationships. I utilize … You also can't force intimacy, however, Brown says. I've let myself believe this because I'm actually terrified of going back to work. Is there anything you could do to be self-employed? It sounds also like the messiness level of the house is really bothering him. I got married two months ago and I can honestly say that it has been nothing like i had imagined it to be.My husband resents me for my past, he says that i am shallow, dirty, unpure, he doesn't find me attractive. If your husband doesn’t want to do that and he lets you do all the hard things alone, it means that he doesn’t respect you enough. It's terrible and heartbreaking that I can't seem to secure a position. Here, we tell you about some signs that suggest your husband may resent you and what you can do about it. He never said anything like that to me before the kids went to school. "Withdrawal can be a natural response to feeling resentment and is certainly understandable," Brown says. I don't "pick up" that well everyday, and have everything 100% tidy, but I do maintain my house. But after that reaction, I hesitated to tell him about any personal development related to school or work. And it's not that I'm mad at him for wanting me to work, but I'm mad that after all the work I put in being a SAHM with babies for ten years, that as soon as they're in school it meant I wasn't as equal in the relationship anymore. But I would find it very difficult I think. It’s messy. If you really can't keep up with that, then it makes sense to get a job if only so you can hire a housekeeper. I always make sure theres food, bills are paid on time, house is clean etc. The idea of staying married and going back to work does scare me. After we had our children my husband and I decided that I should be a SAHM. He sees it as unfair that you seem to feel like you deserve to retire now while he keeps working for 30 years to keep you clothed and fed. It sort of hit me that he isn't proving how little I do, but how little he thinks of me. This could be part of his resentment. Dude, it's okay. Because of the damaging effects resentment can have on your relationship, Brown emphasizes the importance of recognizing the signs that your partner is harboring resentment. I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for here, but I needed to vent and will accept any advice given. If you've been in one (or many) long-term relationships, you know they're not always a walk in the park. The emotional pain was horrible. Or just start scanning the Internet for postings? You are so terrified that you continue to avoid it even though your marriage is disintegrating over this issue. This sounds like it's about more than just you staying at home. Ever thought 'I hate my husband'? Close . It doesn't mean he devalues the work you did when the kids were home too. If he's working 10-12 hours outside of the home, it would not be unreasonable for him to expect you work the same inside the home/time with the children. It’s loving more than we thought we … Kids are at school duringbtbe day so he asks himself what is his wife doung during the day??? I can't help it. If that’s the case, then it creates a very unhealthy imbalance between the two people. Dear Carolyn. He has to keep working and he will have to keep working full time for at least THIRTY more years. And selfishness in a marriage does not work. The second biggest challenge, should you decide to stay in a relationship with a … You both need to talk and look at it from the other's perspective and find a common ground. The high contagion and reactivity of resentment and anger are likely to make you into someone you are not. Your partner should be your biggest supporter, so it can be a huge slap in the face if they don't show enthusiasm about celebrating big moments (like a promotion or anniversary) together. He did not stay with me the night of my diagnosis, and he has rarely accompanied me to doctor’s appointments or treatments. My Wife Resents Me: Dealing with Resentful Wife. HanSolo Sun 23-Mar-14 21:24:32. So I haven't really been able to hold a job but I have tried. Instead, he let it stew inside of him until it boiled over and now it's this dark cloud over the marriage. It's up to you and your partner to pinpoint the source and work on it together through open, honest communication (and couples therapy, if it's come to that). S/he asks nicely, begs, gets angry, hopes s/he's planted a seed and gives it time. If you have to start on the bottom rung, so be it. Maybe he wants to upgrade your lifestyles a bit. My partner resents me, how to help her overcome it. In our worst fights he has told me I'm no good for anyone, worthless, lazy, selfish. I was working for 8 bucks an hour. I will agree about the cleaner though. I've tried. And, quite frankly, a jerk. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the relationships community. 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